


SJG just uploaded a video

by sfxlled



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, M/M, also mercie dedue and various other characters via text/comments, ft. cameos from ashe and annette, reads mostly like a genfic bc i am Like That
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 01:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21027674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sfxlled/pseuds/sfxlled
Summary: Guys wtf,is Ingrid’s response when she wakes up at one in the afternoon, because she also makes very stupid decisions in life, albeit going in the completely opposite direction as the rest of them. Then,sylvain if u do this im coming over to beat u up.Unfortunately, her warning comes too late; Sylvain has already recorded himself pouring a bowl filled with marshmallows straight into his gaping mouth, and the uncontrollable coughing and hacking that followed it soon afterward.Can’t tell if this is a real channel or the greatest performance art i’ve seen,commentswatchful_eyewhen the video goes up.In which Sylvain becomes a Youtuber.written for sylvix week 2019. day 3: modern au





	SJG just uploaded a video

**Author's Note:**

> usernames are taken from the names of the character’s personal abilities.

“Hey guys,” says Sylvain, in a tone that signifies that they aren’t going to like this, “what if I became a Youtuber?”

“God no,” says Ingrid.

“I will kill you,” promises Felix.

“I don’t think that’s a wise choice,” Dimitri says diplomatically.

“Okay, cool,” Sylvain nods, ignoring all three of them, “so I’m going to do it.”

* * *

Sylvain’s first video is about his cactus.

“Why the fuck would you open with this,” asks Felix, utterly aghast, but as always, Sylvain ignores everything that doesn’t support his terrible decisions in life. He sets the phone down in the living room of his and Felix’s shared flat, because after some intense contemplation spanning the exceedingly long time of approximately two seconds, he had concluded that filming in his bedroom was a little too intimate and sexy for the world to handle.

(“I hate you,” Ingrid said when he had informed The Gang about his plans. “God, I hate you so much.”)

“What’s wrong with my cactus,” Sylvain asks, as he turns to look at Felix. He holds up aforementioned cactus, eyes going wide and pitiful. Felix stares back at him, unsympathetic.

“Nobody wants to hear about your fucking cactus, Sylvain,” he says.

* * *

When the video goes up, Felix is proven wrong; though this is debatably more so due to Felix the Person doing his level best to fistfight Sylvain on camera, rather than Felix the Cactus itself.

As aptly put by youtube commenter **BORNFIGHTER**, with 713 people agreeing with him according to the likes count:

_ DUDE I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOME NAKED ASSHOLE TALK ABOUT HIS PLANT AND THEN GET BEAT UP FOR 7MIN. IT WAS AWESOME. 10/10 WOULD WATCH AGAIN PREFERABLY WITH HIS CLOTHES ON BUT IF THOSE ARE HIS CHOICES IN LIFE THEN OK _

(_The fact that this is an accurate description of what happens, _ Dimitri later texts Sylvain, _ is incredibly distressing to me. _

_ Lol so does that mean you think its awesome, _Sylvain texts back.

Dimitri, wisely, chooses not to reply.)

“I forgot he named it that,” is Felix’s vehement defense to Ingrid after she watches the video, and then proceeds to call up their house in a rage at their inability to conduct themselves with propriety even on_ the internet, guys, you’re literally documenting your idiocy for the whole world to see, you dumbasses. _ “When I heard the name come out of his mouth, I just couldn’t stop myself. A red haze overtook my mind, and I _ had _to beat the shit out of him, okay.”

“Well,” says Ingrid after a thoughtful pause, her voice crackling over the phone, “that’s understandable.”

“I’m really feeling the love here, guys,” Sylvain calls out from the background, but both of them ignore him. _ Ah, so this is the consequence of my hubris, _ Sylvain laments to himself. _ My Icarus flying too high. _

For the record, this does not make Sylvain reconsider his life choices, which is a mistake.

* * *

Sylvain’s second video is about him attempting to shove twenty marshmallows into his mouth at once.

This is inspired by Sylvain scrolling on Twitter at approximately two in the morning, despite having work at seven the ‘next’ day (which technically on the same day, but Sylvain measures his time in ‘when I go to sleep’ and ‘when I wake up’, and thusly until Sylvain falls asleep, work is tomorrow), because once again, Sylvain’s natural talent is making absolutely horrendous life decisions for himself.

_ GUYS, _ he dutifully texts the groupchat upon seeing some pretty good (in Sylvain’s opinion) tweets about the topic, _ WHAT IF I SHOVE 15 MARSHMALLOWS INTO MY MOUTH AT ONCE. _

_ That sounds very unhealthy, _responds Dimitri almost immediately, because he, too, is not very good at making smart life choices.

_ Do 20, _is Felix’s text about two hours later, because he is a freak of nature who gets up at four in the morning everyday for his ‘morning jog’, which Sylvain affectionately refers to as ‘self-inflicted torture’.

_ Guys wtf, _ is Ingrid’s response when she wakes up at one in the afternoon, because she also makes very stupid decisions in life, albeit going in the completely opposite direction as the rest of them. Then, _ sylvain if u do this im coming over to beat u up. _

Unfortunately, her warning comes too late; Sylvain has already recorded himself pouring a bowl filled with marshmallows straight into his gaping mouth, and the uncontrollable coughing and hacking that followed it soon afterward.

“God, you’re so stupid,” says Felix, where he’s sitting on the other chair and watching with fascinated disgust.

This sound clip is captured on tape — Sylvain later plays it again and again, pointing out the ‘_endeared fondness in Felix’s voice, awww, that’s so cute’ _everytime.

* * *

_Can’t tell if this is a real channel or the greatest performance art i’ve seen, _ comments **watchful_eye** when the video goes up.

* * *

Sylvain’s third video is about him breaking into his own house when Felix locks him out in an embarrassed fury.

It’s still worth it, Sylvain decides, but also, he is suffering.

“I saw your videos,” Ashe chatters lightly as he works on picking Sylvain’s lock. After about twenty minutes of watching tutorials, trying it out himself, failing, begging Felix to let him in, and then failing that as well, Sylvain had called it quits, before resorting to his last-ditch option: Ashe.

Ashe, being a generally kind person, had deigned to come over to help, but also Sylvain now owes Ashe another favour. This brings the total up to a very sexy number of three, which Sylvain is mildly and unsexily terrified about. Ashe, again, is a generally kind person, but there was also that one time in highschool where Sylvain was hiding from one of his exes, and Ashe had stared her right in the eye as he ratted out Sylvain’s location.

(When asked later, Ashe admitted that he was mostly just spiteful about Sylvain insulting his favourite book in their lit class.)

Hence why Sylvain hadn’t wanted to ask Ashe in the first place, because sometimes Ashe can be very terrifying (in a kinda sexy way if you tilt your head and squint), but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Oh?” Sylvain says, trying to sound casual. This is the third thing he fails, as he eagerly pounces on this new conversation topic. “And what do you think about it?”

“Um,” says Ashe, which is already not a good sign of things to come.

“Just tell me,” cajoles Sylvain. He’s still filming, because Sylvain is no coward, and he can take any insults thrown at him. He’s an experienced hand in that.

“They are very stupid,” says Ashe. He pauses for a moment, and rushes to rectify his words, “N-Not that it’s a bad thing or anything! I mean, you know, people like watching stupid things! ...Uh! Not that I’m calling _ you _stupid, or anything, just that, uh. You know.”

“I kinda am?” supplies Sylvain.

“You kinda are,” agrees Ashe unthinkingly, and then his eyes go wide. _ “Wait--“ _

_ wow, _ comments viewer **songstress ** after Sylvain posts the whole video, unedited, onto his channel, _ get wrecked lol. _

* * *

For his fourth video, Sylvain is absolutely stumped on what to do.

“Guys,” he pleads, “help.”

Sitting around a table at McDonald’s, Felix, Ingrid and Dimitri proceed to not help.

“Shut up,” Ingrid tells him, in between bites of her second Grand Big Mac.

“You’re already out of ideas?” Felix sneers, stealing one of Dimitri’s nuggets. “Pathetic.”

“Perhaps you should give up,” Dimitri offers sympathetically. He steals one of Felix’s fries in retaliation; Felix then proceeds to take his entire box of nuggets. Dimitri just stares at it, crestfallen, without actually moving to take it back, because he’s a pushover like that.

Once again: Sylvain ignores them.

* * *

Sylvain does not remember actually recording his fourth video. This is mostly due to him being blackout drunk for the entirety of it; the worst coincidence that has ever happened to Sylvain is Miklan’s birthday happening to fall on the same day as National Siblings Day.

Over the many years of his life, this fact has never failed to bring Sylvain much strife. The tenth of April is a cursed day, for numerous reasons that include but are not limited to the fact that Miklan was also disowned on his birthday. Which, admittedly, is a huge dick move by their parents.

Albeit, Miklan himself is a huge dick, and Sylvain has grown to recognise and accept that over the twenty-four years of his life, but still — huge dick move.

Anyway, Sylvain digresses. All of this is related to the fact that Sylvain films his fourth video on the tenth of April, completely unplanned, while he is blackout drunk and in an even worse state of mind than usual to make any sort of decisions about his life. This leads to Drunk!Sylvain coming to the conclusion that filming a rant about his shitty brother is totally the best idea for Sylvain’s fourth video, and so, thusly:

Sylvain wakes up to a pounding hangover, and his phone buzzing nonstop. Blinking blearily, he rolls over in his bed, lets out a groan, and checks his phone. His gaze struggles to focus on the texts coming in, and coming in fast.

_12 Missed Calls from Dimitri _

_ Dimitri: _Sylvain are you alright?

_ Dimitri: _Please text me back when you wake up

_ Dedue: _If you need anyone to talk to, I am happy to listen.

_Dedue: _Please take care of yourself.

_ 23 Missed Calls from Ingrid _

_ Ingrid: _SYLVAIN

_ Ingrid: _SYLVAIN WAKE THE FUCK UP

_ Ingrid: _IM FUCKING WORRIED U ASSHOLE WAKE UP

_ Ingrid: _BITCH

_ Ingrid: _IM COMING OVER LATER DONT TRY TO STOP ME

_ 1 Missed Call from Ashe _

_ Ashe: _Hey, Sylvain, you’re probably sleeping right now but I just want to let you know that we’re here for you!

_ Ashe: _I’m always here to talk. Text me back when you’re up okay!

_ 2 Missed Calls from Annette _

_ Annette: _hey uh sylvain are you alright there buddy???

_ Annette: _was really surprised when this showed up on my recommended. i didnt even know you had a yt channel!! >:o

_ Annette: _anyway make sure to drink water ok!!!! txt me back when u read these :kissing_heart: we can talk abt whatever!!

_ Mercedes sent a link: 7 Best Hangover Remedies: Easy Ways to…_

Sylvain squints. And then, very slowly, forces his fingers to type out a jumbled response to that last one.

_ Sylvain: _mercije i fkcjing love u

_ Mercedes: _You’re welcome, Sylvain :)

With that out of the way, Sylvain lets his arm drop back to the side, his phone slipping out of his grasp, and then proceeds to fall back asleep.

* * *

[Thumbnail: _ A blurry, dark shot of Sylvain’s face in selfie portrait mode. There are two bottles of whiskey on the table beside him. Both are opened. One is empty. The other is getting there._]

**happy national siblings day fuck u miklan**

_ 892,532 views _

_ By _ ** _SJG_ **

2.3k Comments ^

**m a s t e r m i n d — 4 hours ago**

hey is this guy fucking ok

_ 1.9k likes _

* * *

Sylvain properly wakes up about two hours after he falls asleep for the second time. This time, he makes sure to reassure everyone, even through his terrible headache, and makes sure to text that _ yes, he is fine, this is fine, everything is fine. _

When he goes to check his channel, he finds that the video has gone over one million views in the time he spent sleeping (again). Which is like, weird, but Sylvain supposes the Youtube algorithm is just like that sometimes.

After briefly contemplating if he should bother recontemplating all of the choices he’s made that has led him to this point in his life, and firmly settling on the answer of _ no, _Sylvain walks out of his bedroom door, fully nude; and is promptly greeted by Felix’s deadpan stare, the man crossing his arms as he sits on the living room couch. There is a plate in front of him on the table, an omelette sitting on top of it.

“Ingrid is coming in fifteen minutes,” says Felix flatly. “Put some fucking pants on.”

Sylvain dutifully obeys. He returns to his room, and then walks back out with some fucking pants on.

“I called into work for you,” is the next thing Felix tells him when Sylvain sits down the couch, in front of the plate of food. “Said that you weren’t feeling well. Though, considering that your stupid shitty video is suddenly blowing up, I don’t know how well that’s going to fly.”

“Fuck,” says Sylvain, with feeling.

“Eat your eggs,” Felix says, and shoves the plate at Sylvain. “Also. Advil. Drink some water.”

“Thanks, Felix,” Sylvain gets out, muffled by his mouthful of egg. Felix sighs, in reluctantly affectionate disgust.

“Don’t say I don’t ever do anything for you,” he says. “You better appreciate this, Gautier.”

“I appreciate everything you do,” Sylvain tries to say, but his words are incomprehensible through the food in his mouth. Felix sighs, again, but he seems to understand anyway.

In a rare show of mercy, Felix doesn’t say anything more to exacerbate Sylvain’s terrible, terrible hangover. They sit there in a comfortable peace; which, of course, is broken in fourteen minutes by Ingrid pounding furiously on their door, and screaming for _ Sylvain Jose Gautier to come out and fucking face me! _

Sylvain looks at Felix. Felix looks back.

“Hubris,” says Felix, and Sylvain unfortunately cannot disagree.

* * *

Sylvain’s fifth video is a general clearing-up-slash-apology kind of thing, where he mostly laughs it off as ‘oh geez guys I swear I’m not traumatised haha also yes I do go to therapy’. The masses are not totally convinced, as evidenced by their doubtful comments, but they do at least seem somewhat placated.

What’s more important is Sylvain’s sixth video, where he accidentally reveals that he’s like, besties with the Crown Prince of Faerghus or something. In Sylvain’s defense, he’s kinda forgotten that Dimitri is technically royalty, because the only time that ever comes up is when they go over to Dimitri’s super opulent and ostentatious palace to hangout, and also whenever they try to eat a meal out to celebrate Dimitri’s birthday and then realise that everywhere is closed _ because _it’s Dimitri’s birthday.

It’s very frustrating. But anyway, Sylvain digresses.

Sylvain’s sixth video features him and The Gang chilling at the nearby shopping mall. It’s extremely mundane; Ingrid even lampshades this in the video itself by asking, _ Why the hell are you filming this? No one’s going to watch it. We aren’t even doing anything. _

This is true. The most interesting part is Dimitri accidentally dropping his burrito onto the ground, and then staring at it in abject dismay. He doesn’t even move to clean it up, so lost in grief he is. Felix laughs so hard, he has to physically support himself, leaning his full body weight onto Sylvain.

But, just like Felix with the cactus video, Ingrid is proven wrong when the video is uploaded.

Most commenters freak out over the fact that _holy shit that is Prince Dimitri? _and type many, many variations of that exact same sentiment. There is one exception to that rule; user **advocate <3 **who instead says _hey arent SJG and his flatmate kinda touchy feely in this one_, but they are promptly buried beneath the flood of people reacting to Dimitri.

_ Sylvain, _ texts Dimitri, about eight hours after the video goes up, _ please take this down. _

Sylvain doesn’t, because he’s kind of an asshole like that.

* * *

“I still don’t understand how you managed to get so many subscribers,” Annette marvels, as they both stare at Sylvain’s channel statistics together. “Your videos are all completely incomprehensible.”

“Thanks,” says Sylvain, unsure of whether or not that’s a good thing.

“I mean,” Annette continues, muttering to herself. “I _ guess _that kind of appeals to the modern age of internet? The reemergence of Neo-Dadaism?”

“Hmm,” Sylvain offers his intellectual opinion on the matter very helpfully.

“Ohhh, I don’t know!” Annette shakes her head in distress. Sylvain, somewhat confusedly, pats her on the back.

Felix chooses this moment to walk enter the house. He stops short upon seeing the both of them — huddled over Sylvain’s computer, Annette in clear despair while Sylvain does his best to cheer her up, despite having no idea why she’s so upset.

“Okay,” says Felix, after a beat, and then he turns to leave.

“Felix, no!” Annette cries out. She reaches her arms out, as if to magically stop Felix from leaving through the power of her will alone.

Felix does actually stop, though, so maybe there’s something to it. Or maybe it’s just Annette.

“What do you want,” Felix asks flatly, when Annette successfully convinces him to sit down with them, and stare at the monitor together. It has to be magic, Sylvain concludes.

“We’re trying to figure out how to maintain Sylvain’s sudden popularity on Youtube,” says Annette. “Or maybe even increase it? I don’t know. Maintain it, at least.”

A beat. Then--

_ “I’m leaving.” _

_ “Felix!” _Annette wails.

It takes a short while, and a half-hearted struggle; but in yet another magical miracle, Annette manages to get Felix to stay again.

“Just exploit Dimitri,” suggests Felix boredly, after they’ve settled back down. His eyes are narrowed as he squints at the screen. “People’ll eat that shit up.”

“King Lambert texted me to say not to do that because of, like, some important stuff or whatever,” Sylvain shoots it down. “I don’t really know. I have no idea what half the things he said are.”

“Didn’t you take a minor in poli sci,” asks Annette.

“Details, details,” Sylvain waves it off. “Anyway, that doesn’t matter. The point is that it’s like, illegal to show Dimitri in my videos or something.”

“I don’t think that’s how the law works,” Felix says. “Uncle Lambert is probably just making shit up so he doesn’t have to deal with the idiots who watch your videos.”

“Well, I didn’t minor in law, Felix, I minored in poli sci. Keep up.”

“I fucking hate you,” Felix informs him.

Annette stares at them for a bit. And then she lights up.

_ “I got it,” _ she says, eyes shining. A thrill of fear runs down Sylvain’s spine at the sight of it, which is then vindicated by her follow up words. “You should feature Felix more in your videos!”

“What,” says Sylvain.

_ “What,” _ says Felix.

* * *

Sylvain’s seventh video is about him and Felix helping Ashe catsit. This is, once again, a premise that truly should not be popular — it is literally just twelve minutes of Felix and Sylvain bickering amongst each other as they alternate between yelling at Ashe’s cat, named Loog because Ashe is a giant loser.

Against all odds, it blows up anyway, and starts competing with the Dimitri video for the second most viewed video on Sylvain’s channel. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the Miklan video is still pretty far in the lead on that.

The positive reaction to the video can be pretty succinctly summarised by the following comment:

**leicester.lineage**: more like SJG and his two cats lmao

Sylvain has to physically restrain Felix from using his account to reply _ fuck you _ to the commenter; Felix, undeterred, makes a Youtube account for the express purpose of telling user **leicester.lineage **just how much they suck.

Overnight, **lonewolf**'s short and simple response of _ die _becomes the top comment on the video, sitting at a generous 2.2k likes.

* * *

Sylvain does not actually mean to continue exploiting Felix for views. Nobody seems to believe this, not even Felix himself, but this is the genuine truth.

Sylvain doesn’t _ mean _ to, but he ends up doing it anyway. On accident, though, so does it _ really _count as exploitation?

(“Yes,” says Dimitri. Sylvain ignores him.)

It’s not his fault that he and Felix do most things together. Or that they live together, and thus it’s all too convenient to just have him cameo, or feature, or whatever. Sylvain has known Felix for his whole life, and given their physical proximity to one another, it’s only natural to include him in this, as well.

(“Really now,” says Ingrid flatly. Sylvain ignores her, as well.)

So maybe his next couple of videos all showcase Felix in disproportionately large amounts of screentime. That’s like, fine, right? Definitely normal. Even if some people seem to be commenting on the ‘overly casual way’ that they touch each other, and something about the looks on their faces, or whatever.

Sylvain ignores all of this, until about one month later, when someone finally comes out and asks it bluntly, no implications, no beating around the bush.

**~Distinguished House~** **— 1 day ago**

Are they engaging in homosexuality? Not homophobic or homosexual just curious.

The first thing that comes to Sylvain’s mind when he reads this comment is, _ wow, this guy is pretty rude. _

The second thing is, _ haha, no. _

The third thing is, _ wait. _

* * *

Sylvain asks Felix to move in with him after Felix graduates high school.

This is very unnecessary. For one, both the Fraldarius and Gautier families are well-off, and should Sylvain or Felix wish it, they could easily get a house of their own solely on daddy’s trust fund money, or something. For two, even if it weren’t for that, they’re childhood best friends with the Prince, and while both Felix and Sylvain refuse to mooch off of him for Actual Important Things, should the times truly call for it, Dimitri would be happy to help them out.

These are not the thoughts that run through Sylvain’s mind, however. Instead, it’s more so, _ hey, it’d be nice to live together with Felix. _

So Sylvain asks him about it, point blank.

Felix stares at him for a bit, after Sylvain pops the question. His eyes are wide, and there’s just the slightest hint of a flush on his face.

Sylvain just blinks back at him, oblivious.

“Yes,” Felix blurts out, after a beat. He coughs. “I-I mean, y-yeah. Whatever, asshole. Let’s fucking move in together.”

_ Weird, _Sylvain thinks, but doesn’t dwell on it.

In retrospect, Sylvain thinks, he can see why he’s called an idiot by most of his peers, despite topping most of his classes without actually attending most of them. (Annette still holds a slight grudge against him for that, which Sylvain finds to be blatantly unfair.)

This would also explain why Felix bothers to cook breakfast for them at times. And why he so easily capitulates to Sylvain’s whims, no matter how much he complains about it. And also the warmth that runs through Sylvain whenever Felix laughs, or grins, or does anything that somewhat shows his inner sappy self--

Sylvain breaks out of his thoughts to stare at his cactus. Felix the Cactus, to be more exact.

A beat.

“Oh, Felix the Cactus,” Sylvain sighs, “we’re really in it now.”

* * *

But just to make sure--

_ Sylvain: _hey ingrid

_ Sylvain: _are felix and i dating

_ Ingrid: _why are you asking me

_ Ingrid: _ask him yourself

_ Ingrid: _also

_ Ingrid: _yes

_ Ingrid: _idiot

_ Sylvain: _oh

_ Ingrid: _fucking finally

Well, Sylvain thinks, so that’s that.

* * *

Sylvain sits on this information for approximately a day, before he finally decides on the way he’s going to approach this: bluntly, and like a sledgehammer, much akin to how he solves the majority of his problems. It usually does not end well, but hopefully, today will be the exception.

“Hey, Felix,” he calls out, as he lounges on the couch in the nude. In retrospect, Sylvain thinks, Felix allowing this is probably yet another really obvious flag that Sylvain should have picked up on.

Felix looks up from his phone where he’s sitting at the other end of the room, and raises an eyebrow.

“Are we dating?” asks Sylvain.

There is a moment of silence. And then Felix puts his phone down on the table.

He gets up, and walks over, very calmly, to Sylvain. Sylvain cranes his head up to look at Felix, as Felix stares down at him from where he is standing.

Another moment of silence. Then:

“I’m going to kill you,” says Felix.

But he kisses Sylvain instead; so that’s probably a lie, Sylvain concludes.

* * *

[Thumbnail: _A shot of Sylvain and Felix standing in the middle of a frozen lake. They both seem confident on the ice. Sylvain is in the midst of showing off a spin, while Felix is staring at him, a small, fond smile on his lips._]

**ice skating on the palace lake (ft. felix)**

_ 1,839,732 views _

_ By _ ** _SJG_ **

3.1k Comments ^

_ Pinned by _ ** _SJG_ **

** _SJG _ ** replied to **~Distinguished House~** **— 6 hours ago**

ya

_ 4.3k likes _

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [misfire.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21488128) by [corviiid (unsungillumination)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsungillumination/pseuds/corviiid)


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